im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
