Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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