a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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