She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
