Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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