I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
my poor anus
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
