M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
