Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I want her autograph on my taint
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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