i think my mom watched the whole time
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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