before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
