he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My vagina just recognized that song.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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