My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
