I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
