where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
