I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
