I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
