a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
