My friends, they love my intelligence
she looked like the before picture.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
