so that wasnt chicken after all
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
