Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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