my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
