I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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