I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
