and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
