guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
