I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
