Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
