ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
