Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if only i could text you this smell
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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