First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
