So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
