Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
