He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
