I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
