She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
