I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you would pick up someone in the library
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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