I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
