I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't deserve a penis
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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