I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
