I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
