Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
