Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
