Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
