i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
