Please, let me fuck your mom
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
