I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
