I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
