My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
