hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
