You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
