I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
