I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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