Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
